


The Not-Wedding of the Decade

by rivlee



Series: Gone Are All The Days: D.C.-Metro Tales [9]
Category: Spartacus Series (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crossover, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-07
Updated: 2012-10-07
Packaged: 2017-11-15 19:09:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/530705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rivlee/pseuds/rivlee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After over thirteen proposals and one legal ceremony, it’s time for Agron and Nasir’s Not-Wedding Wedding (in the Metzger tradition). Part of a crossover Modern!AU that features the HBO War Fandom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Not-Wedding of the Decade

**Author's Note:**

> Part of a Modern-AU crossover with the HBO War Fandom.

**_May 2010_ **

Agron had been waiting for this moment for years. He had no problem admitting that he honestly thought and planned for the day he married Nasir. Ever since they got the license three weeks ago, he’d spent all his free time planning this insane mishmash. Nasir wanted something simple with just their friends and family; he knew how the Metzgers were though and said since a big production was an inevitability, it was all in Agron’s hands. 

Same-sex marriage in D.C. was only legal for a month when they went down to the courthouse that April morning. Agron never thought any of this would be a reality; not with his job, not with the state of the country, not with Nasir still a Navy Corpsman until January of this year. Now here they were, fighting for last-minute hall space with every if-i-can’t-get-married-in-June-i’ll-get-married-near-Memorial-Day-couple. Thank god Agron had more than few connections or else they’d be doing this in the parking lot of _Smokey Joe’s Café_ and not in the private hall of a small local theater. He shouldn’t have been surprised Ray Person had an in with a local theater troupe. He _was_ surprised the space was so respectable. 

So, yeah, this, all of this, Agron wanted it. He’d dreamed of it. He actually got a book out and made plans with details and okay, maybe it became a scrapbook but he was damn proud of it. Legally speaking, they were already married with witnesses. They’d had their weekend getaway of a mini-honeymoon and everything. This was different though, this was practically everyone in their lives and wasn’t even really about them. Duro was calling this their _statement ceremony_ and Agron had to agree with him.

The nerves refused to settle down. That’s why he was here, huddled with Mira and Saxa, in the women’s bathroom downing the little bottles of rum Saxa kept pulling from somewhere in her dress uniform. 

“I don’t think this is going to settle my stomach,” he said.

“I don’t think Nasir’s going to like the fact you’re half-drunk,” Mira said.

“Then why aren’t you stopping me?”

“Because I know Dagan threw vodka in Nasir’s orange juice this morning. I figured you two should be even,” she said. 

“Why would he do that?”

“Because Nasir kept calling this a _Not-Wedding_ and Dagan thought that meant he was getting cold feet. Somehow Dagan’s on your side for this one.”

“He’s not getting cold feet. We just agreed to call it a _Not-Wedding_ because Nasir started breaking out in hives when Naevia mentioned a Bridal Registry and various types of flowers. Besides, he knows what happens when Metzgers have Weddings as opposed to Not-Weddings.”

“It’s a _Not-Wedding_ wedding,” Saxa said like it was the clearest thing in the world.

To be fair, it was for the Metzgers. They had a long history of _Not-Wedding_ weddings. They didn’t do well with planning ceremonies in advance, just turning them into big parties that brought out the cops and threats of noise violations. They kicked ass at Justice of the Peace proceedings followed by wild parties. They just weren’t the religious ceremony and bridal march type.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Mira asked.

“In the long tradition of Metzger family history, whenever we have Not-Weddings, mostly legal ceremonies followed by large parties, things go well. When we have Weddings, well; earthquake, fires, random blizzards, you pick the act of natural disaster, we have seen it,” Agron said.

Saxa nodded. “The gods have decreed the Metzgers must have Not-Weddings.”

“Your family is so fucked up,” Mira said.

“Right, of the three people in this room only one of us got married at a Las Vegas Drive-Thru and it sure as hell wasn’t me or Saxa,” Agron said. 

“You’re just jealous,” Mira said. 

Agron snorted as he adjusted his tie. They agreed on suits, not tuxes, after Nasir had nightmares of Duro showing up in a cummerbund and a cravat. Agron forced a promise out of his brother to wear his dress blues only and to leave the mess dress and any additions, like swords, or canes, or swords in canes, at home. Saxa was the only one actively serving and looked gorgeous. Half the guests were in their dress uniforms, but Agron and Nasir made the conscious decision to not wear their own. The military brought them together, but it almost tore them apart. 

“Thinking of running?” Gannicus asked as he joined them. He took one of Saxa’s offered bottles.

Agron couldn’t even imagine it. “From something I’ve looked forward to for years? No.”

“It’s just a wedding,” Gannicus argued. 

“That I wouldn’t even be allowed to have a year ago. That still won’t be legally recognized in the majority of this country. 

Gannicus rolled his eyes.

Agron kicked him with one of his perfectly polished shoes. “Look, I know you’re stuck in some bastardized version of _Love Actually_ and _My Best Friend’s Wedding_ what with being infatuated with your best friend and your best friend’s wife. Just don’t take that shit out on my not-wedding day and Nasir won’t have to rip your balls off.”

Gannicus laughed. “I think I could take Nasir.”

Mira and Saxa both shook their heads at him in sympathy. Gannicus had no fucking clue.

“You’ve never seen him truly pissed off. Even _Crixus_ doesn’t fuck with him then. Never forget Dagan is his older brother and taught baby bro Nasir ever dirty, nasty, horrible, blood-letting, fighting trick he knows,” Saxa said. 

“Dagan, the one who legit killed an attacker with a ballpoint pen?”

“Yup,” Agron said with pride.

“You’re willing marrying into this family?”

Agron grinned. “Yes, sir, I am.”

“I always knew you were fucking insane, Metzger. Now I’m glad to have proof.” He looked at his watch. “Your brother wanted to remind me you, you have a half-hour until this starts. He said not to get too drunk because he’s Team Nasir if you have the sudden urge to puke on half the guests.”

“You can tell Duro I’m not even buzzed. Saxa’s handing me the water-downed rum. I’ll be out there on time and sober. I wouldn’t miss this for anything.”

Gannicus patted his shoulder. “I suggest you don’t fuck this up, then.”

“No plans for it.”

“Like we’d allow it,” Mira said. 

 

******************

Agron gladly took Ray and Mira up on their offer for a contraband cigarette right before the ceremony was to start. Mira had mouthwash and breathmints on hand, so he wasn’t too worried. Nasir would know, he always did, but he’d appreciate the attempt to cover it up.

Duro knocked on the door to the bathroom and stuck his head inside. “We’ve, uh, we’ve got a situation.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Agron asked as he hastily stubbed out his cigarette. 

Duro opened the door and Nasir and Saxa came stumbling inside. There were tears in Nasir’s eyes and a distressed look on his face. 

“Do I have to go murder someone?” Donar asked before Agron could.

“No,” Nasir croaked out. He wrinkled his nose and started coughing again.

Dagan came running around the corner with a jug of water. He ripped off the cap and handed it to Nasir. “Drink,” he ordered. 

“What the fuck is going on?”

“Some dumbass thought it’d be nice to send you a chapel’s worth of a flowergram.”

Agron knew the vein was pulsing in his forehead. They didn’t have flowers for a _reason_. “Donar,” he said, proud at how calm his voice sounded.

“Yeah, bro?”

“Round up all those hyena cackling jackasses I call my friends and associates and find out which one thought the best way to start off this not-wedding is with Nasir having an allergic reaction. Find out which one it was and then please shove his worthless skull into a brick building.”

“Agron,” Nasir choked out, “you promised no bloodshed.”

Agron pressed a kiss to Nasir’s forehead and ran a soothing hand down his back. “I promised no un-called for violence. This shit is justifiable.”

Mira handed Nasir an unopened bottle of Clear Eyes.

“You are a gift,” Nasir said.

“Better prepared than any boy scout,” Mira answered. She patted Nasir’s cheek. “You good?”

“Just call me Sneezy.”

“Wheezy is more like it,” Dagan said.

Agron shot him one of his deadliest glares. It didn’t work of course, Dagan had fucking nerves of adamantium.

Donar reappeared with Spartacus, Crixus, and Gannicus.

“Who ordered the flowers,” Agron demanded. 

“Naevia complained about the lack of them in your not-wedding plan,” Crixus said. 

“We thought it’d be a nice surprise,” Spartacus added.

“A nice surprise.” Agron dropped his head into Nasir’s hair and laughed. “Did you even bother to ask Naevia what kind of flowers you should’ve picked if you picked any at all?”

“Uh, no,” Crixus said, “we wanted to surprise her too.”

Agron kept laughing, even when Nasir started to make distressed noises about his hair. 

“Why is Agron suddenly crazier than usual?” Gannicus asked. 

“I don’t know, maybe because Nasir is pretty damn allergic to roses, numb nuts,” Duro said. 

“No, really, it’s fine, it’s sweet, I’m good,” Nasir wheezed out. “I just.” He sneezed. And coughed. And then did both at the same time.

“Oh that’s just wrong,” Ray Person said. 

“Alright, Operation Get the Roses Out Of Here Before Doc Bryan Has To Trach Nasir is a go,” Donar said.

Agron checked his watch. “Only a twenty minute delay, not too bad.”

“And no signs of earthquakes or four alarm fires,” Nasir croaked out. He took another deep swallow of water. “A typical Not-Wedding for your family, at least.”

“Our family,” Agron corrected. 

He smirked as he heard both Naevia and Doc Bryan berate Crixus, Spartacus, and Gannicus. He’d never seen the three of them move to complete a task so fast. There truly was something to be said for having Naevia on their side. 

 

***********************

“So do you want this short and quick, long and memorable, or my best Vegas Drive-Thru?” Duro asked as they got ready to go out. 

“Quick and memorable. I just want us out of here before any remnant pollen latches on to Nasir’s system,” Agron said. 

Duro nodded. “I can do that. Got your back, bro.” He patted Nasir’s shoulders. “Yours too.”

“Thank you, Duro,” Nasir said. 

Agron grabbed Nasir and gave him a quick kiss before they went out there. “I love you,” he murmured into Nasir’s mouth.

Nasir squeezed his hips. “I love you, too. Now let’s get this over with. The sooner we’re done, the sooner we can go home.”

Agron playfully bit Nasir’s bottom lip as he pulled back. “I love how you think. I knew there was a reason I decided to marry you.”

“Besides it being a better alternative than trying to tattoo _Property of Agron Metzger_ on my ass?”

“Oh, I still plan on doing that when either one of us reaches our mid-life crisis.”

“Oh, but honey, I wanted the pool boy and the cherry red Ferrari instead.”

“Are you two done?” Donar asked. “I don’t think we can hold back the family members much longer. I’m pretty sure Leckie’s boys have already broken out the contraband alcohol.”

Nasir nuzzled Agron one last time before stepping back. “We’re ready,” he said. 

It was still a shock seeing just how many people showed up for the ceremony. They expected large numbers at the reception, but nothing like this. There were people standing in the back. 

They took their places with Donar joining them at the front. He was functioning as their shared best-man and ring-bearer. There was no one better for the job considering he had done more than anyone else to keep Agron and Nasir stable and going in their relationship.

They settled, facing each other and awkwardly laughing before tuning to Duro in unison and nodding at him to start.

“That’s just freaky,” Duro said. “Tell me, does the mind reading thing come before or after the marriage license.”

“Duro,” Conrad Metzger hissed. 

Duro dropped his head, properly chastised by his father, and turned to this notes. He looked up at Agron and Nasir, winked, and then looked at the crowd. 

“Dearly beloved and people only here for the open bar who have the common decency to come to the ceremony first, we are gathered here to witness the joining—no, not joining I don’t like the images that come to mind. I love you both, but no. We are gathered here to witness the official public not-wedding wedding ceremony of my dumbass brother, Agron Gerwulf Metzger—”

“His middle name is Gerwulf?”

“Shut the fuck up, _Gannicus_.”

“No f-bombs at your Not-Wedding, Agron!”

“Yes, ma.”

“—and my much more attractive and sensible already legally-speaking brother-in-law, Nasir Fahim Karimi. Nasir, we all know you could’ve done so much better, but you belong to us now and that’s for life. Agron, bro, you fuck this up, you die.”

“Agreed,” Agron said while Nasir nodded. 

“Now that we’ve established who they are and what we’re doing here, I’m supposed to define marriage for you. I think we’ve all got that. Whether or not you decide to put a ring on it, or if you are one of the many people who are forbidden to do so thanks to the small-minded asinine polices of your job or state government, we all know some people are just meant to be for life. We all should have that legal right and if you disagree I don’t know why you’re here besides the open bar. 

So, Agron, Nasir, look, you two have been ‘married’ for years. Even when it wasn’t allowed, even when you probably didn’t know it, you’ve gone through a ton of relationship drama and doubts that would’ve ended most people. You got through it though, because you are both stubborn bastards surrounded by even more stubborn bastards, and you’re just meant to be. I don’t believe in that fate crap. Hell, I thought Nasir was a drug-induced figment of Agron’s imagination until he showed up for family brunch. Even then it was obvious, this was special, because I ain’t never seen my big bro willingly clean-up so nicely for someone who wasn’t his commanding officer. 

So, yeah, marriage, it ain’t easy. These days it’s not even for life, but you two, I got a feeling you’re going to make it last. And you know we’re all here for you. When one of you inevitably kicks the other out because he forgot to separate the whites from the colors and no that policy does make us laundry racists, Nasir, we’ve got a bed for you. Or when one of you leaves the house with the oven still on, and no, that does not make anyone an overly-paranoid jackass, Agron, you can have our couches.”

“So generous.”

Duro shrugged. “It takes a village.”

“And you are its idiot,” Saxa yelled.

“No comments from the crowd, please,” Duro said. He looked between Agron and Nasir. “So, Agron, you down with this? With Nasir for life?”

“I am.”

“Nasir, you’re absolutely positive you want to wake-up to that ugly mug every day for the rest of your life?”

“I am.”

“Okay, everyone in the crowd, get off your asses and witness these for real vows. Does everyone in this crowd, besides Gannicus since we know his feelings on the matter, agree to help support these two numbskulls when they inevitably screw shit up?”

“We do.”

“Awesome, you can sit back down.”

“Somewhere the person who gave you your licensure is weeping,” Agron growled.

“Your other option was Gannicus. Are you really regretting it?”

“No,” Agron and Nasir said.

“I thought so,” Duro said. “So, brothers, you got some vows you want to say. Agron, age before beauty.”

“If I didn’t agree with that I’d punch you right now,” Agron said. 

He took a deep breath and looked at Nasir. It was stupid to be nervous. Especially at their Not-Wedding when they were already legally married, bound, and witnessed. Still, his parents were here. And so was Grandma Karimi. And Dagan. Nasir’s tight grip on his hand gave him more than enough strength. 

“Nasir, I can honestly say I would not be standing here if it wasn’t for you. I mean, Doc Stern did what he could before his leg shattered, but you stopped the bleeding from the IED explosion and sort of saved my life. I didn’t know your name then. Never thought I’d see you again. Then there you were in that sick bay and even though I was halfway to gangrene, I felt lucky. You were there again. Even though you tried to ignore me for a good four months I finally got that date. It hasn’t always been easy and I don’t think it ever can be with us, not with our lives and the people we know, but I feel fucking honored to be allowed to share the rest of my life with you.”

Nasir raised their clasped hands and kissed Agron’s knuckles. 

“Agron,” he said, “I can honestly say I’d never imagined this for my life. Marriage it just, it wasn’t my thing and then I met you and the entire clan of Metzgers and I knew I wanted to be a part of it, all of it. When we hit that rough patch all I could think was how I couldn’t stand to give you up. Not just you but everything about you, your friends, your family, everything the whole world feels like when I’m around you. And I thought I had to because I wanted what was best for you. Then you told me that you were retiring and I just, I didn’t think it could be that easy. There had to be some cost. People shouldn’t be allowed to be this happy. You’ve made me believe in better things and a brighter future. I know we can and will get through whatever comes next because no one dares fuck with the Metzgers or the Karimis especially not now that we’re combined. I am the one who is honored to be loved by someone like you.”

They both waited for Duro’s next prompt but there was silence from the podium.

“Duro, are you crying?” Nasir asked.

“Yes and I am secure enough in my self-worth to admit that.” He cleared this throat. “Bring forth the rings, Donar.”

“Had to get in a _Lord of the Rings_ reference, didn’t you?” Agron asked.

“You were the fucker who first proposed with the One Ring,” Duro said. 

“Boys, do not make me come up there,” Mina Metzger said. 

“One for you,” Donar said as he placed a ring in Agron’s hand. “And one for you,” he said, placing the other in Nasir’s. 

Duro clapped his hands. “Now’s a speak-and-say moment for us. You both are going to say with this ring, I thee participate in an antiquated ceremony that once equated a woman going from her father to husband as property exchange.” 

“Duro,” Agron hissed. 

“Fine. You will say, _I give this ring as a daily reminder of my love for you_. Though in Agron’s case he clearly thinks beard burn works the same.” 

Agron glared at his brother before turning to Nasir who was shaking with laughter. 

“I give this ring as a daily reminder of my love for you,” he intoned, slipping the ring on Nasir’s finger. 

“Ditto,” Nasir teased as he ducked Agron’s playful smack. He straightened up and grinned. “I give this ring as a daily reminder of my love for you,” he said and slipped it on Agron’s finger, clasping his hand tight when they were done. 

“Aren’t they precious,” Duro said. “Now by the power vested in me via the lovely online certification program I took, and by your love and commitment or whatever, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss each other but try to watch the tongues, boys, because our grandmas are out there.” 

Agron and Nasir laughed through their kisses and ignored the wolf-whistles and Saxa’s call for an ass-grab from the crowd. 

For most couples, the ceremony would seem far from perfect. For them, it was just right. 


End file.
